well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
