Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
