your parents love me but you hate me
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
