Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
