i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
