Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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