I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
