I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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