I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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