The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
