please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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