he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
