she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
