She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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