The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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