omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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