ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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