Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
