need another drink. this is the easiest way
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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