Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
