alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
