I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just high enough for therapy.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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