I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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