You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
