Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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