I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
