good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
