420 ftw
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
