Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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