areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
