sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
