please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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