someone owes me an orgasm
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
