I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
