well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
