Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
