I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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