nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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