Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
