He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
