There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
