I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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