it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What drink are we having for lunch?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
