What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
