Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Every concussion has its silver lining
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
