So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
