shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
