I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
