Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize