he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
