Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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