I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
