Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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