I think i peed on brittanys purse
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
time to smoke my breakfast
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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