Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
