the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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