I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
