she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize