i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
