but the lizard people decide everything anyway
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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