Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
