I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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