I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
