She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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