I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My ass is underappreciated
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
