did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Plan B is the new Plan A
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There r osticjed everywhere
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
