Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
